Jan 9, 2008

Best Flight Ever

The Day After Thanksgiving 2006
Departing Detroit 6am
I get to the Airport at 4:30 am
Bleary eyed from a night out with my Family
I endure the usual shoe removal and near cavity search going thru the
Gulag TSA Security checkpoint
Finally I board my flight to Denver
I'm near the front of the plane
Optimum positioning for the post landing exodus
Being in the aisle seat makes me unhappy
I much prefer the window for maximum slothing on any flight..
Eventually the herd finds their seats and we take off
I settle in nicely
My seat is almost agreeable
My neighbors fortunately don't have any obvious bad habits
They keep to themselves...Perfect....
The air is blowing on me, Maybe, I can Sleep
I"m actually enjoying this
The flight Attendants are lovely and professional
I take a deep breath and visualize riding down amazing trails in
knee deep in pow pow on one of
the 5 mountains I have a season pass to
Almost R.E.M.
Thru my subconscious I here the pitter patter of feet coming down the aisle way
franticly bumping into seats, Causing a commotion
I keep my eyes closed,It will pass............
At that very instant......
An odd sensation hits me.....
My right shoulder,Arm and leg feel Hot
As I simultainessly hear the culprit pass me
I open my eyes and notice......
That I'm covered in Vomit....Yes Vomit
People are screaming, Moaning and starting to hurl themselves...
I feel as though I'm in the eye of a hurricane...
Somehow I stay calm..and silent
The flight attendants jump into action
Their handing me napkins, Paper towels, Disinfectant, Soda water
Someone hands me Baby wipes.....
After many work intensive minutes.......
I'm able to remove all visible signs of Chuff
People around me are completely freaking out..
I look clean,but I certainly don't feel clean..
I'm calm on the outside but losing my shit on the inside
I'm a perpetual hand washer for fuck sake......
The aroma is amazing and the person across the aisle is dry heaving while
reliving the story over and over to his Neighbor on the other side...
I look him directly in the eyes with my best Charlie Manson stare and tell him....
Actually....I can't remember exactly what I said....
But his response was.."Ummm your right, I'm sorry, I'll be quiet"
I said ....Thank you.......
The flight Attendants kept trying to help as best they could,I saw
sincerity in there eyes, They felt awful for me...
As they were sprinkling Strawberry scented carpet powder on the floor
I asked for some....To maybe disguise my aroma slightly.....and I proceeded
to rub the powder in the affected clothing...
I smelled like a giant Strawberry dipped in Vomit..for the remaining
2 hours of my flight...mmm

Best Flight ever

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